Hope for a Better Tomorrow

I'm trying not to be disappointed.  I'm trying to get back on the horse.  I'm trying not to look at my thighs and belly with disgust. 

I'm  upset because I feel like I'm falling short of my potential.  I'm gaining weight.  I'm eating crap.  I'm not exercising.  I know better, but I'm not doing better.  I can list off a billion reasons as to why.  Excuses.  They really are good ones.  Nonetheless, excuses.

I read a yoga quote about how yoga is like life.  When you are in a pose and you're not going very far into it, the way you meet the challenge of the pose is often like the way you meet challenges in life.  That was eye opening to me.  Are you critical?  No I'm not.  I'm very accepting.  Do you compare yourself to others.  No, I'm quite content that we are all different.  Are you upset?  Nope. 

I'm fine just breathing in and out and zoning out.  I'm content to the point that I have been doing yoga for 10 years and if you saw me practice, you wouldn't know.  You'd think I was just past a beginner.  I'm content.  I stretch and I don't even focus on getting better, but just "being".  I don't think that is what the yogis meant.  I think that they want you to be content, but not so content that you are not progressing forward.  This is what my problem is.

I used to be so competitive, but for whatever reason, I've stopped trying.  Not only have I stopped trying, but sometimes I'm even self-sabotaging.  I'm complacent.  I'm okay being average.  I'm not sure what I'm afraid of, but I can feel that though I've taken two steps back, something inside of me is awakening. 

It is that something inside of me that is fighting against my failure.  That something is so disappointed that I started eating crappy and not prioritizing.  Yes, I have A LOT going on in my life right now, but all the more reason to focus.  I'm fighting the feeling of despair because despair is paralyzing.  I'm reaching for hope.  I'm searching with faith.  I want a different life.  I want a different cover on my book.  I think I'll go to bed and hope for a better tomorrow.

Tomorrow I plan on buying a yoga magazine and creating a dream board.  I'm hesitant because I don't want to fail again, but I know if I don't try then I will automatically fail.  At least this way there is a chance that I might succeed. 

So here I go.  Thanks to yoga, I can see myself more clearly.  I am still sad.  I still feel fat.  I still just want to sleep for a long time, but I will get up and I will continue.  Namaste.