Day 4 - Two Compliments for the Day

It was beautiful today.  It was humid and warm but there was a cool breeze.  It has been raining and though there were worms and slugs out in full force, I decided to run/walk on the walking trail behind my gym.  My two oldest kids were at school and my two youngest were in good hands in the baby-sitting room.  It was great to be outside.  Refreshing. 

Years ago I was near the place where Stonehenge is in England and there is another place with stones placed in a circular shape.  There was energy there.  I wanted to do yoga, but back then yoga was less "normal" and I didn't have the guts to mentally block out the stares of others and connect with my soul and the surrounding.  Maybe it was for the best, but there is something special about doing yoga in nature. Until today I have only dared to do it in my backyard, but today after my exercise, I decided to try a few poses.  I actually loved it.  When I did a pose where you look up, it was spiritual.  It was connecting me to something bigger than myself, to the heavens.   The sky was a thick gray.  I knew that behind the gray, there was blue.  And that there is always blue sky behind the gray.  Sometimes life seems a bit thick and gray.  The thing is that whether we can see it or not, there is blue behind the gray. 

Compliment of the day.  There wasn't anyone around as I went through a vinyasa flow, except two grounds keepers.  One of them whom I had greeted yesterday when he pointed out that I had dropped my debit card (thank you very much!) walked over to me and in a strong accent asked if I do "that kind of exercise" everyday.  And that I look so strong.  It felt good to get a compliment, as small as it was.  I realize that as soon as I started staying home with my kids, I don't get complimented very much.  There just are not very many people around.  Either way, I loved my morning, relatively alone, with my thoughts.

I tried a dry sauna for the first time - detoxifing.  I got some reading in too.

And I showered at the gym.  I usually go home and do that while the kids watch a show, but I decided that it would be good all the way around to do it while there.  It was great.  It was fun to get ready for the day in front of a large mirror with a long line of women doing their beauty routine.  When I got to the babysitting place to pick up the boys, Stafford my newly 3 year, old look at me and said, "Mom, ew look bewful."  He touched my caridgan and then pointed out my shoes and said how nice they were.  I guess now that I think of it I got two compliments today.  :)

On my way home I noticed lots of moms and kids at the park.  I decided that I would go and see what would come of it.  There was a woman that I always see at the gym.  Our kids know each other from babysitting.  So I got to know her and her friend while we watched the kids play.  I'm sure I will see more of them there in the coming months.  It is fun to meet people.

I also spent some time playing Super Mario Bros. with my 5 year olds, Warrick.  We really like to work at it together.  Neither one of us is very good, but you got to give us something for effort.  I never realized that the Wii would be a great family thing, but it is.

I find that kids listen to their bodies more than we do. They do yoga poses, naturally. Every kid goes upside down on the couch, don't they? I did when I was a kid. I think they do it instinctively when their brain needs more oxygen - that's what the pose does. I've started taking pictures of my kids as they randomly throughout the day put themselves in a pose. These are of my 5yo. Ignore the underwear.

40 Day Challenge - Reflection

I just finished my first 40 day challenge.  I didn't even get close to getting all of my goals, but that is okay. I feel pretty much the same as when I started.  The days zoomed by.  Life went fast and was stressful.  We traveled and made huge life decision.  Such is life.  It cannot be an excuse. I learned a lot. I learned about choosing goals that are easy to monitor.  I learned to make sure the small goals bring me to my long term goals; they are stepping stones. 

I will do better next time.  I'm excited.  My next challenge for myself will be a 38 day challenge - because I want it to end on the last day of May.  This is exciting.  Who will I be in 38 days?  I WILL be different.  Change starts will little dicisions.  It starts with decisions that ignore the small little voice in the back of you mind that say, "Just this once..." or "It will be okay, this time because..." or  "I'll start tomorrow"  or the one that makes me second guess my goals and try to re-set them.  I will make my goals and I will stick with them.  In 38 days, I can second guess them.

Hope for a Better Tomorrow

I'm trying not to be disappointed.  I'm trying to get back on the horse.  I'm trying not to look at my thighs and belly with disgust. 

I'm  upset because I feel like I'm falling short of my potential.  I'm gaining weight.  I'm eating crap.  I'm not exercising.  I know better, but I'm not doing better.  I can list off a billion reasons as to why.  Excuses.  They really are good ones.  Nonetheless, excuses.

I read a yoga quote about how yoga is like life.  When you are in a pose and you're not going very far into it, the way you meet the challenge of the pose is often like the way you meet challenges in life.  That was eye opening to me.  Are you critical?  No I'm not.  I'm very accepting.  Do you compare yourself to others.  No, I'm quite content that we are all different.  Are you upset?  Nope. 

I'm fine just breathing in and out and zoning out.  I'm content to the point that I have been doing yoga for 10 years and if you saw me practice, you wouldn't know.  You'd think I was just past a beginner.  I'm content.  I stretch and I don't even focus on getting better, but just "being".  I don't think that is what the yogis meant.  I think that they want you to be content, but not so content that you are not progressing forward.  This is what my problem is.

I used to be so competitive, but for whatever reason, I've stopped trying.  Not only have I stopped trying, but sometimes I'm even self-sabotaging.  I'm complacent.  I'm okay being average.  I'm not sure what I'm afraid of, but I can feel that though I've taken two steps back, something inside of me is awakening. 

It is that something inside of me that is fighting against my failure.  That something is so disappointed that I started eating crappy and not prioritizing.  Yes, I have A LOT going on in my life right now, but all the more reason to focus.  I'm fighting the feeling of despair because despair is paralyzing.  I'm reaching for hope.  I'm searching with faith.  I want a different life.  I want a different cover on my book.  I think I'll go to bed and hope for a better tomorrow.

Tomorrow I plan on buying a yoga magazine and creating a dream board.  I'm hesitant because I don't want to fail again, but I know if I don't try then I will automatically fail.  At least this way there is a chance that I might succeed. 

So here I go.  Thanks to yoga, I can see myself more clearly.  I am still sad.  I still feel fat.  I still just want to sleep for a long time, but I will get up and I will continue.  Namaste.