Hope for a Better Tomorrow

I'm trying not to be disappointed.  I'm trying to get back on the horse.  I'm trying not to look at my thighs and belly with disgust. 

I'm  upset because I feel like I'm falling short of my potential.  I'm gaining weight.  I'm eating crap.  I'm not exercising.  I know better, but I'm not doing better.  I can list off a billion reasons as to why.  Excuses.  They really are good ones.  Nonetheless, excuses.

I read a yoga quote about how yoga is like life.  When you are in a pose and you're not going very far into it, the way you meet the challenge of the pose is often like the way you meet challenges in life.  That was eye opening to me.  Are you critical?  No I'm not.  I'm very accepting.  Do you compare yourself to others.  No, I'm quite content that we are all different.  Are you upset?  Nope. 

I'm fine just breathing in and out and zoning out.  I'm content to the point that I have been doing yoga for 10 years and if you saw me practice, you wouldn't know.  You'd think I was just past a beginner.  I'm content.  I stretch and I don't even focus on getting better, but just "being".  I don't think that is what the yogis meant.  I think that they want you to be content, but not so content that you are not progressing forward.  This is what my problem is.

I used to be so competitive, but for whatever reason, I've stopped trying.  Not only have I stopped trying, but sometimes I'm even self-sabotaging.  I'm complacent.  I'm okay being average.  I'm not sure what I'm afraid of, but I can feel that though I've taken two steps back, something inside of me is awakening. 

It is that something inside of me that is fighting against my failure.  That something is so disappointed that I started eating crappy and not prioritizing.  Yes, I have A LOT going on in my life right now, but all the more reason to focus.  I'm fighting the feeling of despair because despair is paralyzing.  I'm reaching for hope.  I'm searching with faith.  I want a different life.  I want a different cover on my book.  I think I'll go to bed and hope for a better tomorrow.

Tomorrow I plan on buying a yoga magazine and creating a dream board.  I'm hesitant because I don't want to fail again, but I know if I don't try then I will automatically fail.  At least this way there is a chance that I might succeed. 

So here I go.  Thanks to yoga, I can see myself more clearly.  I am still sad.  I still feel fat.  I still just want to sleep for a long time, but I will get up and I will continue.  Namaste.

Day 16

I went on a road trip with my family to New England last week.

It was stressful and not full of sleep.

My adrenal gland is fatigued and what it needs is sleep, little stress and good food. All three of those things were a miss for a few days and it has taken me a few days to get back in the game. The problem is that when a person has adrenal fatigue, when they don't take care of themselves then the problem is exacerbated and the person starts to CRAVE the things that will make the problem worse. It is a crazy process that maybe I'll write about one day. Anyway, we had a good trip.

It is good to be back and get back to focusing on what I need to do.

My weekly goal is to not eat 2nds at dinner time. This is hard, but I know I can do it for one week. One week is all that I'm asking myself - gentle.

Also, I like to pick a bigger goal and see how long of a streak I can go on. this streak is one that I struggle with, but I know if I break the cycle of grazing and eating for emotional reasons, I will be the person I want to be.

You cannot be your best self if you are overweight. You cannot fully love yourself if you are damaging yourself. That is not love; that is abuse. You will be happy with who you are when you are doing what you know you need to do. The trick, is that you need to be gentle and have compassion for yourself in the process. When people are down on me, I don't want to perform for them and if I do, just to prove them wrong, I eventually burn out because it is not possible to be in a negative environment for too long and not let it get to me. When people are supportive and believe in me, I want to show them what I can do. This is the same with ourselves. We can beat ourselves up and tell ourselves how fat we are, but that will only work for awhile - if at all. If we show compassion then we start to love ourselves. We start to want to help ourselves with healthy exercise and food. It makes us feel even better and it is a chain reaction. Don't believe me? Try it. Try it for a week to change your mind set from negative to accepting and feel the change begin.